|At least the Kansas City Chiefs are excited to be The Informer's Lion King Lock of the Week.|
On Thursday night after the Miami Dolphins gave their fans the best treat of the evening, winning 22-20 on an overtime safety, The Informer received a concerned message from one of his readers.
It read: “I am really worried about The Informer, his picks just keep getting worse; especially after the way the Cincinnati Bengals tricked him into thinking they would cover before losing in OT. I really hope he does not harm himself.”
Now if The Informer were being honest, there was a moment where he thought about using “Flagellation” to punish himself for his terrible picks (Remember in Tom Hank’s movie the Da Vinci Code the extreme priest guy who whips himself as a form of daily penance? Well that is what “Flagellation" is).
Ultimately The Informer decided extreme torture on himself would not change the fact that his picks suck. That is when The Informer decided the only way to stop the hurt was to quit writing his weekly picks article.
He was serious to; it was time for The Informer to throw his towel into the fire, pick up his ball and go home.
Basically the Bengals non-cover was the straw that broke the Zebras back.
I mean seriously: When was the last time a NFL game ended on a safety in overtime? There is no way in the bluest of blue hells that has ever happened before. Yet there The Informer was once again staring at a lost pick because the “Red-Headed” gunslinger Andy Dalton couldn’t avoid being tackled in the end zone.
(The Informer note – This was actually the third time in NFL history a game has ended in overtime on a safety. In 1989 the Minnesota Vikings beat the Los Angeles Rams 23-21 and in 2004 the Chicago Bears beat the Tennessee Titans 19-17.)
The Informer didn’t want to make any rash decisions, but he knew at this point his abilities to pick games was no longer there. In fact, The Informer knew if he continued writing these crappy picks articles he would actually be doing a disservice to his readers.
Thankfully after The Informer mentioned on the Facebook he was thinking about quitting because his picks articles were losing credibility, the same reader who was concerned with my well being chimed in with some very good words of advice.
He said, “Informer to lose credibility that would imply that you actually had it to begin with. And since we both know you didn’t have any credibility why don’t you stop acting like a "*****" (Think five letter cuss word for the female private parts), do your damn job and keep making us laugh at your terrible picks.
Well . . . To steal a phrase from Jalen Rose, “The Informer is going to give the people what they want.”
With that in mind The Informer broke out his “Flagellation” whip, did his penance and now he is ready to get back on the camel that bucked him and start dominating “The Informer vs. The Question 2013 NFL Picks Challenge.”
One last note; judging by what happened on Thursday night, everyone should be preparing themselves for a weird after Halloween weekend in the NFL.
ATLANTA FALCONS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-7.5)
The Carolina Panthers are a better football team right now than the Atlanta Falcons, but the question has to be asked: Should a Ron Rivera coached team be a 7.5 point favorite under any circumstances?
Seriously name me one reason anyone should trust a Rivera team to put away the Falcons that easily?
Also you have to factor in that the Panthers are an enigma this season; they play really good some weeks destroying their opponents by 30, then the next week they lose a game they should have won.
It is maddening.
Take the Falcons and the points as you should not trust the Panther’s.
Pick: Falcons +7.5
Cam Newton, no Julio Jones, an injured Roddy White, the Panthers are one of the hottest teams in the NFL, the Falcons just got dominated on the road against the Arizona Cardinals.
There . . . The Informer gave you five good reasons someone should take the Panthers. With that said, The Informer is grabbing the points. This is a must win game for the Falcons: If not now then when?
Pick: Falcons +7.5
MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ DALLAS COWBOYS (-10)
The Minnesota Vikings have had a difficult time finding their way in the NFL this season.
Truthfully I wouldn’t be surprised if AP is in some sort of emotional therapy so he is able to keep that weekly smile on his face due to the fact that he has to play each and every game with quarterbacks that intellectually couldn’t play for a high school team.
The Dallas Cowboys on the other hand have been overrun this week with Dez Bryant wanting to win and not choosing the proper venue on how to express those feelings.
Give me the Vikings as the Cowboys have to many distractions and continue to play to their competition’s level week in and week out.
Pick: Vikings +10
Dez Bryant yells at teammates during a game and he is detrimental, a disgrace and a cancer to the team.
Tom Brady screams and cries like a baby whose candy was stolen on Halloween night and he is a fiery leader who is trying to make his teammates better.
Randy Moss allegedly runs over a parking meter maid with “Hippie Lettuce” in his ash tray and he is a bad human being.
Peyton Manning helps fund a children’s hospital in Indianapolis and he is called a humanitarian.
Do you guys see the double standard in all of this?
Listen at the end of the day Dez shouldn’t have been throwing a fit, but this is football and people tend to get emotional when your team gives up 329 yards receiving to your biggest rival and you lose the game.
What Bryant needs to do this week is show up on Sunday and back up his tantrum with results. Yes The Informer fully expects he will do this.
However even with a determined, not detrimental, Dez; The Informer thinks this is to many points. At some point this season Adrian Peterson will win a game by himself.
Take Peterson in his home state and watch for a Vikings upset.
Pick: Vikes +10
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS @ NEW YORK JETS (+6)
The New Orleans Saints may very well be the best team in the National Football League.
Seriously how valuable is a head coach? I bet if you asked the city of New Orleans they would say he is the second most valuable guy on this team.
This week I think Sean Payton will scheme a way to protect Drew Brees that will allow the Saints passer to continue making plays down the field, but I am taking the Jets as a home under dog coming off an embarrassing loss.
I think the Jets bounce back and at least make this one interesting for a stretch.
Pick: Jets +6
Did you know last week Brees threw five touchdown passes for the eighth time in his NFL Career? Did you know that is an NFL record? Did you know Brees is on pace to throw for over 5,000 yards for the fourth straight season? Did you know no other quarterback in NFL history has ever thrown for over 5,000 yards more than once in a season? Did you know Peyton Manning has never accomplished this feat?
The Informer has just one last question: When are we going to start putting Brees into the same category as Manning and Brady? Is he already there? How has he never won an MVP? Why does Brees place in NFL history bother The Informer so much?
Sorry that was more like four questions.
Moral of the story is Drew Brees is really good at football and The Informer is going to pick him each and every week he is playing against a rookie quarterback.
Informer bonus prop bet – Take the over 250 times they show a Rex Ryan-Rob Ryan side by side split-screen shot.
Pick: Saints -6
TENNESSEE TITANS @ ST. LOUIS RAMS (+3)
This is going to be a real slug-fest.
Each of these teams has a good defensive line that will cause trouble for the other squad.
The St. Louis Rams will once again be playing without Sam Bradford at the helm while the Tennessee Titans are a smash mouth run first football team coming off a bye week.
I think this should be an interesting game, but I don’t trust the Titans on the road giving points.
Pick: Rams +3
This season whenever a home underdog is getting three points or less from Vegas, said home dog is 11-4 against the spread.
Well this week Vegas is giving the home Rams three points; therefore The Informer is going to follow the trends and root for an upset.
Also keep in mind this is the first time Rams coach Jeff Fischer will be going against the team he coached for 16 seasons. If you don’t think he will have his team primed for an upset than you don’t know the NFL.
Remember how good the Kansas City Chiefs looked against the Philadelphia Eagles in Andy Reid's return to Philly earlier this season? The Informer is expecting that kind of performance from the Rams this week.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ BUFFALO BILLS (+3)
In the words of late Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis, “The Chiefs JUST WIN BABY!!!”
It may not be pretty or flashy but they get the job done. Well only giving three points this week I don’t see why you shouldn’t be on their side.
The Buffalo Bills seem to figure out how to give games away while the Chiefs have figured out ways to –JUST WIN.
Pick: Chiefs -3
The Chiefs are 6-2 ATS this season; however they are 0-2 the last two weeks. The Chiefs are also 2-0 this year when playing on the road as a three point favorite, so the above stat about teams being home dogs by less than three points having a 11-4 record can be thrown out the window.
At the end of the day this game comes down to whether or not “The Canon” Thad Lewis, who is listed as doubtful, plays this week.
Just remember on Sunday when you tell your fake illegal bookie or offshore Caribbean website you want to take the Bills that you are putting your faith in Matt “I can’t hold a NFL job” Flynn or some guy named Jeff as your starting QB.
To be honest The Informer would rather spend Halloween week watching Paranormal Activity (The Informer does not do scary ghost movies) than back Matt Flynn or Jeff Teul against the best defense in the NFL.
The Informer likes the Chiefs so much in Buffalo he is actually making them his Lion King Lock of the Week.
Pick: Chiefs -3
PS- No The Informer is not trying to do some weird reverse jinx by making the Chiefs his LKLOTW. Yes on the year the LKLOTW is 1-7, but The Informer honestly thinks the Chiefs, being the best team in football, can be the team to break the curse.
So saying The Informer is trying to make the Chiefs lose so he can stop eating crow, would be absolutely absurd. What is next your going to tell me there is a video of a grown man jumping up and down in a lion suit yelling Simba on the Youtube?
Grow up Peter Pan. The Informer one hundred percent is not trying to jink the Chiefs.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ WASHINGTON REDSKINS (+1)
This game is so bad “The Question” didn’t even bother to hand in his thoughts. Never fear The Informer knows exactly what he would have said.
“RG3 is starting to look like RG3 again and even though they were embarrassed by Manning and the Denver Broncos last week, I think they will rebound for the home victory. Take Washington as the San Diego Chargers are traveling two time zones and will be sluggish in this game.”
Now The Informer’s first reaction to “The Fake-Question’s” thoughts is damn . . . The guy stole my flying two time-zones idea.
My second reaction would be he is one hundred percent correct in assuming the Redskins will win this game.
Pick: Home dog Washington +1
PHILADELPHIA EAGLES @ OAKLAND RAIDERS (-2.5)
Terrelle Pryor is coming around as a viable NFL quarterback. He fits the mold of QB’s in this “New Era” that are mobile and capable of making every throw.
The Philadelphia Eagles have struggled offensively and just can’t seem to be find any rhythm without Michael Vick at under center.
Give me the Raiders this week as Pryor will lead Oakland to five hundred for the first time this season.
Pick: Raiders -2.5
Two questions: Who is playing quarterback for the Eagles? How are the Raiders favored against anyone?
Honestly The Informer is more scared of the first question because the answer could be Matt Barkley. And even though The Informer feels there are only a handful of NFL teams the Raiders should ever be favored against, believe it or not the Eagles are one of them.
Pick: Raiders -2.5
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-16)
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are a bad team that has quit on their coach.
Also, the Seattle Seahawks are coming off a game they should have lost (against the Rams) which will refocus them to take care of business at home.
The Seahawks are too good at home to let Tampa Bay keep this game close.
Pick: Seahawks -16
Man there are some bad football games this week.
It is starting to look like The Informer maybe putting multiple episodes of Dora the Explorer on for his daughter this week instead of watching every NFL game.
Trust The Informer when he says you really have not lived until you have one T.V. blaring the “Map Song” and a second T.V. singing “We did it.”
It really is more fun than a two year old little girl should be allowed to have.
The Informer note - For those new to The Informer, each week he watches Sunday football in his man cave with his daughter. Normally “Baby Informer” will take a nap during the early games so The Informer’s television rotation is not compromised, but during the late games one of the T.V.’s is always turned to Dora.
To answer your next question; yes the volume for football gets turned down and the volume for Dora gets turned up. It is the sacrifices a good parent makes in order to watch ten hours of football each and every Sunday.
Anyways, which means please don’t interrupt The Informer while he is signing the “Map Song”, judging by this week’s slate of game The Informer will not have to worry about filling his daughter full of juice and crackers to keep her happy, because she is going to be able to watch all the Dora she wants.
Don’t be surprised if The Informer’s Monday morning reaction article contains coverage on how to pass the troll bridge, some Spanish mixed in with English and sayings such as:
“Say Map . . . Say Map!!!”
“We did it . . . We did it!!!”
Or a well placed joke like:
Knock Knock . . .
Who is there?
Cow . . .
No a cow doesn’t say who –cows say MOOO!!!
What game were we talking about again?
You know what, it doesn’t matter. Take the home team, give the points and if you’re a parent watch educational cartoons with your children instead of whatever game we were just discussing.
Pick: Seattle -16
BALTIMORE RAVENS @ CLEVELAND BROWNS (+2.5)
This game is always interesting regardless of the records of the two teams.
That is why for me this is a coin flip game.
One one side you have the Baltimore Ravens who have no one to throw the ball to outside of Torrey Smith. On the other side you have Joe Haden who is a lock down corner for the Cleveland Browns.
So who is Joe Flacco going to throw to if his only weapon is being locked down by Haden?
To me this game all hinges on the QB of the Browns and we all know how well that has worked out for Cleveland this season.
Even though the Browns are surprisingly close to .500, I think people are starting to over value them and whoever they have playing QB, so I am taking the Ravens this week.
Pick: Ravens -2.5
Did you know Flacco has never lost against the Browns? Well as the old saying goes, “eventually all good things must come to an end.”
The Browns have played the Ravens close for seven straight losses, now is the time to get over the hump. Watch for Josh Gordon to make some plays down the field and for the Browns to pull of the unexpected victory over the favored Ravens.
Pick: Browns +2.5
PITTSBURGH STEELERS @ NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (-6.5)
I heard a talking head/ so called expert say a team that they would watch to turn the season around is the Pittsburgh Steelers.
I couldn’t disagree more. The Steelers offensive line is in shambles, their WR are young and just starting to get it, the running game is still mediocre even with Le'Veon Bell and their defense is still not getting any younger.
One thing is for sure; I definitely don’t see them turning it around to make the playoffs this season.
I understand this is a lot of points for a New England Patriots team that should have lost to the Dolphins last week, but to me it seems like the 6-2 Pats are starting to get healthy at the right time.
Look for Tom Brady and company to put up some points this week.
Pick: Patriots -6.5
What a game this would have been in 2011. No wonder CBS is making it their game of the week.
Here is what we know coming into this week; Tom Brady is having an MVP year while averaging 228 yards passing a game, “Big Ben Roethlisveganberger” spends every game running for his life because his offensive line is putrid and last but now least we have two defenses that have been so decimated by injuries neither one of them could stop the “Little Giants” from running the “Annexation of Puerto Rico” down their throats.
The Informer has only two words to describe how he feels about watching this game on Sunday: “Can’t wait!!!”
Pick: Steelers +6.5
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (+2.5)
It really is too bad Reggie Wayne went down with a season ending injury. I have never met the man, but from all accounts he is an upstanding gentleman who had an extremely dedicated work ethic and who was an outstanding team player.
I wish you a full and speedy recovery Mr. Wayne.
Now without Reggie in the lineup the Indianapolis Colts loses its possession receiver and security blanket for Andrew Luck. For me that does not bode well for them in this game.
On the other side the Houston Texans need to turn it around immediately. I am thinking they will do it this week, at home, behind Case Keenum.
Pick: Texans +2.5
The home underdogs are 11-4 when giving three points or less . . . The home underdogs are 11-4 when giving three points or less . . . The home underdogs are 11-4 when giving three points or less . . . The home underdogs are 11-4 when giving three points or less . . . The home underdogs are 11-4 when giving three points or less . . . The home underdogs are 11-4 when giving three points or less.
The Informer apologizes, he was hoping if he kept reminding himself not to pick against the home dog he would not be dumb enough to actually do it.
Pick: Colts -2.5
CHICAGO BEARS @ GREEN BAY PACKERS (-10.5)
The Chicago Bears defense has had its struggles so far this season and I think the Green Bay Packers will be able to exploit this as long as they take care of the football.
The main reason the Packers will exploit the Bears is because they have more balance on offense this season; especially since Eddie Lacy has taken pressure off of Aaron Rodgers thus allowing the Packers great to have more time in the pocket.
In the end the Pack’s offense will be too much for the Bears and as long as Green Bay’s specials teams mines its P’s and Q’s they should roll easily.
Pick: Packers -10.5
The Chicago Bears are starting Josh “I am not Cade’s brother” McCown at quarterback. The Chicago Bears have lost six straight games to the Packers. The Chicago Bears have not won at Lambeau Field since the year 2000.
What does all of this mean?
It means this is Halloween weekend and weird stuff is going to happen, including the Chicago Bears keeping this game close.
Pick: Bears +10.5
Now normally this is the point in the article where The Informer wraps things up by trying to get “The Question” to click on a link that will inadvertently lead to him having to listen to Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give you up.”
In the world of the inter-web this is what is known as being “Rick-Rolled.”
The Informer would usually then finish with some obscure music video that he finds funny; like “Gangnam Style” and then we would call it a day.
Sadly, after receiving numerous complaints that the “Rick Roll” and “Gangnam Style” jokes are old and outdated, The Informer has decided to scrap this gimmick.
Like Jalen Rose said before, “Give the people what they want.”
And if the people no longer want to enjoy Astley’s music or Psy’s dancing, The Informer is not going to keep forcing it down their throats.
So for now on if The Informer says here is a link of Miley Cyrus swinging around on a wrecking ball with no clothes on, then by “Tebow” when you click on the link it will be Miley Cyrus swinging on a wrecking ball with no clothes on.
Oh by the way, here is a link of Miley Cyrus swinging on a wrecking ball with no clothes on (for mature audiences only).
Then again . . .
Wait for it . . .
Wait for it . . .
Never gonna give you up . . . Never gonna let you down . . .Never gonna run around and hurt you.
The Informer doesn’t care who you are, getting “Rick Rolled” is hilarious.
Hope every had a Happy Halloween. Enjoy your NFL Sunday and this video of a haunted house explaining "What the fox says."