Friday, November 15, 2013
The Informer vs The Question Week 11 NFL Picks Challenge: The Stay Classy Edition
By now you all should know that Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues is set to hit theaters on December 20.
The Informer is so freaking excited to see Ron Burgundy back on the big screen that he decided this week he is going to use quotes from the original Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy to describe how he feels about each and every game.
Keep in mind due to the language (This is a family website) The Informer may have to change some of the words to protect the innocent.
Hopefully everyone will have as much fun reading, as The Informer had writing.
And on that note, here is Week 11 of The Informer vs. The Question 2013 NFL Picks Challenge: The Stay Classy Edition.
ATLANTA FALCONS @ TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (+2.5)
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers were only 2.5 point dogs against the Miami “Drama” Dolphins just last week and although the Bucs covered that game, it wasn’t due to their stellar squad. No, it was due to the pitiful offensive line of the Dolphins.
The Atlanta Falcons at least still have some offensive lineman on their team, albeit injured ones.
I still will take the Falcons in this one even though they haven’t been playing good football, because I don’t think the words Tampa Bay and two game win streak belong in the same sentence.
Pick: Falcons -2.5
“You are a smelly pirate hooker . . . Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?”
Get it because Tampa Bay stinks and their mascot, the Buccaneers, are pirates? And of course Tampa has “Revis Island” which kind of sounds like “Whore Island.”
We are only one quote in and The Informer can already tell this is going to be tons of fun.
As for the game; the Falcons are starting to show signs of health with Steven Jackson and Roddy White returning, so there is no reason to think they can’t beat a Tampa Bay team that just lost their star fourth string running back Mike James to a season ending ankle injury.
Pick: Falcons -2.5
NEW YORK JETS @ BUFFALO BILLS (-1)
Both teams play well as underdogs when people are counting them out and not as well as the favorites.
This means I am going to be taking the dog this week even though the New York Jets only play well every other week. I am thinking this week they can break that trend.
Pick: Jets +1
Veronica Corningstone: “My ‘Tebow’, what is that smell?”
Brian Fantana: “That’s the smell of desire my lady.”
Corningstone: “It smells like a used diaper . . . filled with Indian food. Oh, excuse me.”
Fantana: “You know, desire smells like that to some people.”
New Station Employee: “It smells like Bigfoot’s D*** (Think other name for Richard)!”
From the above quote it is pretty obvious The Informer has no interest in watching this game; however for some strange reason many NFL fans think this is going to be the bees-knees game of the week, so we need to break it down just a little bit before moving on.
Here is what we know: The Buffalo Bills are very good at home. The Jets are a more complete team; although the Bills have better play-makers.
Also right now the Bills biggest offensive threat C.J. Spiller is apparently in a spat with head coach Doug Marrone. On the other side Jets head coach Rex Ryan, who was supposed to get fired this season, is now a coach of the year candidate thanks to the fact that his team is in pole position for the last AFC Wild Card spot.
At the end of the day, The Informer is sticking with his horrible philosophy of always picking road teams, even though each and every week the NFL proves that picking home teams is the smart play.
Pick: Jets +1
DETROIT LIONS @ PITTSBURGH STEELERS (+2.5)
The Detroit Lions are an easy selection this week.
That is what The Informer will write when he says the Lions are winning and covering this game. Unfortunately for him, Las Vegas does not keep building luxurious Casino’s by giving money away.
There must be a reason Vegas has this game so close and I for one am not going to be the one who pays to find out.
Pick: Steelers +2.5
“We need you. Hell, I need you. I’m a mess without you. I miss you so damn much! I miss being with you. I miss being near you. I miss your laugh! I miss your scent. I miss your musk. When this gets all sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!”
Was this an actual quote from the movie, or a future Matthew Stafford press conference if Calvin Johnson ever leaves Detroit?
Funny Stafford crying to Johnson quotes aside, “The Question” was one hundred percent right when predicting The Informer’s feelings for this game.
The Detroit Lions are an easy selection. Mark it down, they will win and cover.
Pick: Lions -2.5
WASHINGTON REDSKINS @ PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (-3.5)
I just have not been able to figure out either one of these two teams and judging by my over all record it may be the whole league I am having a problem with, right “Mis Informer”?
Well this week you lay the points and ride Nick Foles’ laser-rocket arm and good decision making abilities as the Washington Redskins continue to not show any promise.
Also just so nobody is late to the party; I think it may be time to start thinking about selling your RG3 rookie cards.
Pick: Eagles -3.5
“Oh Ron, there are literally thousands of other men that I should be with instead, but I am 72 percent sure that I love you.”
The Informer had to change quotes on the fly because it looks like RG3’s biggest most loyal fan is getting ready to jump off the train.
Don’t do it Mr. Question. The Informer assures you that just like Matt Damon in Goodwill Hunting –it is not RG3’s fault.
The Redskins have a terrible offensive line, a terrible offensive scheme and even worse their head coach keeps treating their star running back Alfred Morris like Wendell from Varsity Blues.
Listen, this Redskins team is an absolute mess; which means this week they will go into Lincoln Field and beat Bingville . . . err . . . the Philadelphia Eagles. The Informer knows it makes absolutely no sense so you all will just have to trust me.
Just please whatever you do, don't start selling your RG3 rookie cards.
One more thing: After figuring out the Eagles have lost 10 straight home games dating back to 2012, The Informer thinks maybe we need to add a bonus quote to make fun of “The Question’s” Eagles pick.
“It is so darn hot . . . Milk (Philly) was a bad choice.”
Pick: Skins +3.5
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS @ MIAMI DOLPHINS (+1.5)
I don’t care that the San Diego Chargers are flying across the country and will be playing a noon game on the east coast, which will make this game feel like an early morning kickoff for the Charger’s body clock.
I also don’t care that San Diego can’t seem to win close games; they are the better football team.
I am taking the Chargers over the “we have huge offensive line problems as well as bullying distractions” Miami Dolphins.
Pick: Chargers -1.5
The Informer has a quote for each team so this should be exciting. Here is the first one.
Ron Burgundy: “Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it San Diego, which of course in German means a whale’s vagina.”
Veronica Corningstone: “No, there’s no way that’s correct.”
Burgundy: “I’m sorry; I was trying to impress you. I don’t know what it means. I’ll be honest; I don’t think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.”
Corningstone: “Doesn’t it mean Saint Diego?”
Burgundy: “No. No.”
Corningstone: “No, that’s – that’s what it means. Really.”
Burgundy: “Agree to disagree.”
This quote really sums up the Chargers because no one can figure out if they are good or not.
They have beaten three playoff contenders (Dallas Cowboys, Philadelphia and the Indianapolis Colts), but they have also lost to bottom feeders such as; Houston Texans, Tennessee Titans, Oakland Raiders and the Redskins.
It has to asked: Is this team any good or not?
Either way, The Informer is taking “Whale’s Vagina” because they did hang tough with the Peyton Manning’s last week, so one should think they will handle business against the depleted Dolphins this week.
Speaking of Anchorman quotes that remind me of the Dolphins . . .
“I will smash your face into a car windshield and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again.“
Sorry, The Informer couldn’t help himself.
Pick: Chargers -1.5
BALTIMORE RAVENS @ CHICAGO BEARS (-3)
The Baltimore Ravens are currently sitting at 4-5 on the year with four of those losses on the road (1-4 road record). They are just a different team on the road and their record reflects this.
On the other side of the field the Chicago Bears are not about to lose two straight home games. Take the home team and lay the three points in this fairly even matchup.
Pick: Bears -3
Ron Burgundy: “You dirtbags have been in third place for five years.”
Frank Vitchard: “Oh yea? Well, you’re about to be in . . . dead place.”
As it turns out the Bears actually won the division three seasons ago, so the quote doesn’t actually fit as well as The Informer was hoping.
What The Informer was trying to say is the Bears finally had a chance to control the division over the Green Bay Packers, but then their quarterback was injured and all of the sudden the Lions are swooping in and it is starting to look like the Bears may once again finish third in the NFC North while the Ravens are actually dead in their division.
See how well the quote would have worked?
Anyways, The Informer has two former college roommates; one a Ravens fan and one a Bears fan, so he thought he would ask his buddies for some help picking this game.
Unfortunately this is the text The Informer got back after sending out the first question: “If the Bears beat my Ravens I will blame Jamo and never talk to him again.”
Well then . . . Tough break for my buddy who probably has no idea that a ten year friendship may in fact be over if the Bears win.
Since The Informer kind of wants to see his friend's reaction when the Ravens lose, he is picking Chicago this week.
Remember, if there is one thing the NFL has taught us this season it is that you must always pick the back-up quarterback at home against the defending Super Bowl champions.
Pick: Bears -3
CLEVELAND BROWNS @ CINCINNATI BENGALS (-5.5)
The Cincinnati Bengals are a tough team to get your mind around. You know like quantum physics or regression modeling, so let’s keep this easy.
The Bengals are at home and the Cleveland Browns are on the road. Look for Cincy to bounce back after a tough loss last week to the Ravens.
Pick: Bengals -5.5
“I’m in a glass case of emotion . . . Agggggggggggghhhhhh!!!”
That was The Informer’s response to his wife when the Bengals blew the overtime game last week after A.J. “The Sickness” Green saved the game with this “Hail-Mary” TD reception.
Seriously, how do you not finish that game off? The Informer fully and 100 percent blames the “Red-headed gunslinger” Andy Dalton.
This is two weeks in a row now that Dalton has played poorly resulting in a Bengals loss. Due to those two terrible losses, this week the Bengals are in a divisional showdown game with a very good defensive Browns team.
The good news is Cleveland is still one snap away from saying the phrase “Start warming up Brandon.”
The Informer is expecting the Bengals to hold serve at home and if they don’t he swears he will write a 2,000 word letter to “The Sickness” explaining the benefits of going into free agency in two years.
Pick: Bengals -5.5
The Informer after the pick stat of the day – Green is just the third WR in NFL history to reach 1,000 yards receiving in each of his first three seasons. The only other two guys to accomplish the feat are Randy Moss and some guy named John Jefferson. If you are wondering Moss holds the record with six consecutive 1,000 yard seasons to begin his career.
OAKLAND RAIDERS @ HOUSTON TEXANS (-7)
The Oakland Raiders can and will score points this week against a Texans team that just can’t seem to put it all together.
Honestly, they seem to play great for three quarters before everything goes wrong and they fall apart. Since it has been that kind of crazy bad year for Houston, I am taking the points and the Raiders.
Pick: Raiders +7
“I have no idea where he would have gotten a hold of German pornography. But you and I are mature adults; we’ve both seen our share of pornographic materials. Oh, you never have? Of course you haven’t, how stupid of me. Neither have I. I was just speaking to generalities. Right, I’ll stop by the school a little later, Sister Margaret.”
The Informer likes to think that is the exact conversation the Texans had with Ed Reed when they informed him that his football services would no longer be needed.
“Come on Ed, we have all seen German porn before but the problem is, speaking in generalities, you just can’t play football anymore.”
Any who, even though The Informer loves Case Keenum (7 TD no interceptions on the year) there is no way Houston should be favored by seven points over anyone.
Pick: Raiders +7
ARIZONA CARDINALS @ JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (+7)
The Jacksonville Jaguars are coming off their first win of the season. You’re telling me they didn’t pop some bubbly and that they are not feeling good about themselves after finally getting the proverbial monkey off their back?
I guarantee they did and they are.
Now after getting their first “dubbya”, it is time for Jacksonville to start looking at pole position for the 2014 NFL Draft.
One would be wise to take the Arizona Cardinals in this one.
Pick: Cardinals -7
“I’m Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I am polite and I am rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an I.Q. of 48 and am what some people call mentally challenged.”
Ladies and gentlemen you’re 2013 Jacksonville Jaguars.
Pick: Cardinals -7
MINNESOTA VIKINGS @ SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (-12.5)
Until last week, the Seattle Seahawks hadn’t played a good football game in about a month.
The Minnesota Vikings . . . Well let’s just leave it at that.
The Seahawks are generally dominant at home, and with the Vikings having the 17th best rushing defense I don’t trust them to slow down “Beast Mode” Marshawn Lynch.
Pick: Seahawks -12.5
“The last time I looked in the dictionary, my name’s Ron Burgundy. What’s your name?”
The above quote goes out to Adrian Peterson.
It is time to remind the NFL that the dictionary still says your name is Adrian Peterson.
And please start said showing this week, The Informer’s fantasy football life is depending on it.
Pick: Vikings +12.5
SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS @ NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (-3)
I love the San Francisco 49ers off a loss getting points.
Pick: Niners +3
“They’ve done studies you know. 60 percent of the time it works every time.”
One of The Informer’s favorite quotes from Anchorman goes to his favorite pick of the week, also known as the Lion King Lock of the Week.
Now this season a better quote for the LKLOWT would be 30 percent of the time it works every time. However, since the LKLOTW has hit two straight weeks The Informer is feeling pretty confident in upping the percentage back to 60.
Anyways, which means please do not interrupt The Informer while he is putting his “sex panther” on, The Informer knows how to ride a good trend when he see one; so this week the LKLOTW is once again riding Drew Brees at home where he has thrown 18 of his 25 TD passes on the season.
Pick: LKLOTW Saints -3
GREEN BAY PACKERS @ NEW YORK GIANTS (-5)
The Green Bay Packers have too many injuries that they just cannot overcome.
Yes the New York Giants are not a good football team, but look out if they beat this hapless Packers team they will have a chance against the Cowboys next week, and then they are right back in the hunt for the NFC Erroneous.
Pick: Giants -5
Ron Burgundy: “Boy, that escalated quickly . . . I mean, that really got out of hand fast.”
Champ Kind: “It jumped up a notch.”
Brick Tamland: “Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.”
Burgundy: “I saw that. Brick killed a guy. Did you throw a trident?”
Brick: “Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.”
Burgundy: “Brick, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. You should find yourself a safe-house or a relative close by. Lay low for a while, because you are probably wanted for murder.”
Just saying the Giants went from 0-6 to 3-6 with a chance to win the division. While the Packers went from NFC North favorites to Aaron Rodgers is injured and watching January football on their phones.
Talk about escalating quickly.
The Informer has one more quote.
“Hello? Who’s there, I’m talking? Who is this? Baxter . . . is that you? Bark twice if you’re in Milwaukee. Is this Wilt Chamberlain? Have the courage to say something! Hello?”
For some reason The Informer has a feeling this exact conversation is going on over and over in the Brett Favre household.
Couldn’t you see the Packers calling every ten minutes, only they are too scared to actually ask the question, so they just sit there awkwardly breathing into the phone while “The Gunslinger” keeps asking who is there?
“Hello? Who’s there, I’m talking? Sterilng Sharpe . . . is that you? Bark twice if you are in Green Bay. Is this Don Majkowski? This is ‘The Gunslinger’ have the courage to say something! Hello?"
Just like Favre used to do on the field, The Informer is having a lot of fun making picks today.
Pick: Giants -5
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS @ DENVER BRONCOS (-8)
Let me get this straight; you are giving me one of the best defenses in football, a game manager quarterback with an offense that doesn’t turn the ball over, against a banged up Denver Broncos offensive line and semi-injured Peyton Manning?
Yeah that is too many points.
Pick: Chiefs +8
“Mr. Burgundy, you have a massive erection.”
We have Peyton Manning at home, in prime-time, against the undefeated Kansas City Chiefs. We have the best offense in the NFL against the best defense in the NFL.
We have the Chiefs trying to go 10-0 for the first time in the history of their franchise, but in order to do so they must beat the best regular season quarterback ever, and future 2013 NFL MVP, Peyton Manning.
Hell even NBC knew how important this game was so they had Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth flexed in so that we could have this match-up on Sunday Night Football.
Honestly, using a well known movie quote about Ron Burgundy’s massive erection may be to tame of a description to describe The Informer’s excitement.
If only there was a video of a very angry Bart Scott floating around the internet screaming “CAN’T WAIT” that The Informer could show to describe his feelings for this game.
One more Manning thought before we move on.
Right now Manning has 33 TD passes on the season.
Did you know, when Tom Brady set the NFL record with 50 TD passes in 2007 (Thanks to Randy Moss’ NFL record 23 TD receptions) through nine games he had exactly 33 touchdowns?
So what did Brady do in Week 11 of that year? He played in prime-time and threw 5 TD passes.
The Informer is thinking we are about to watch NFL history repeat itself. Sunday night will be the same Week 11, the only thing different will be the player and the year.
The Informer loves the Donkey’s this week.
Pick: PMIPT Broncos -8
The Informer note – (PMIPT) Peyton Manning in prime-time
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS @ CAROLINA PANTHERS (-2.5)
I understand the Carolina Panthers had their “We are a good football team” coming out party last week against the Niners even though they tried to give that game away late with all of their miscues.
But believe you me; the New England Patriots will win this football game.
You what to know why? Because that is what New England does? Crab cakes and football!!! Hot Route!!! Red SEVEN!! OMAHA!!!
Sorry The Informer didn’t gush about Peyton enough this week so I wanted to give him a shout out.
As for the game, the Panthers are good as dogs, but as favorites I still don’t trust them.
Pick: Patriots +2.5
“What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole wheel of cheese? How’d you do that? Heck, I am not even mad; that’s amazing. How bout we get you in your p.j.’s and we hit the hey?”
This quote goes to Brady who has somehow played more like Brandon Weeden than Tom Brady this season yet is still being talked about as a possible MVP candidate.
It really is impressive that Brady can be terrible for nine weeks with all the blame going to his wide receivers; yet somehow all of these rookies and back-up quarterbacks, who like Brady had zero time to adjust to their new receivers, are stepping in and winning games for their teams while completing passes.
Just saying; after a full training camp, four preseason games and now 10 weeks of the regular season it is time to stop blaming the receivers. It is time for Brady to either make plays are take responsibility for having an off year.
With that said, The Informer predicted at the beginning of the season that by Week 11 the Patriots would be one of the most explosive offenses in the NFL and judging by their last game when they put up 55 points they are starting to do just that.
Moving on to this week against Carolina; being an underdog on Monday Night Football is the exact type of game the Patriots tend to dominate year in and year out (Just ask the Falcons earlier this season).
Watch for Bill Belichick to take away Cam Newton and see if anyone else on the Panthers team can make a play.
The Informer is predicting they can’t.
Pick: Patriots +2.5
Enjoy your NFL Sunday everyone and remember to "Stay Classy San Diego."